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Jim Chee

I have come to a conclusion about Brandon. He has a distinguished Jim Chee attitude and way of life. If you're wondering who in the world this Jim Chee character is then I recommend that you go check out the author Tony Hillerman. He is the creator of a mystery novel series that takes place in the Four Corners, the heart of Indian Country. I fantastic series of books.
Anyway... I have come to discover, now that I'm coming to the end of t he series, that Brandon has similar qualities about this fictional character. I figured I was giving him the benefit of the doubt of running on his own schedule which I think now runs parallel to Navajo time. Always late but arriving at the appropriate time. When the appropriate time for us to discuss our friendship I don’t have a clue. Maybe the appropriate time is never. I have waited for 3 years at this point now. But the more I think about it the more I notice similarities to his Jim Chee character to the actual books themselves.
Especially when it comes to the relationship end of things. I know that he’s been hurt before. How and why I couldn’t tell you, but it’s a similar behavior that I have observed of both him and Chee. He’s unsure of yourself in the personal level and chooses to keep to himself and his agenda. Deviating from the plan and orders of others to fulfill his own needs. However somehow that was thwarted when I came into the picture. Except it was complicated. I was his subordinate just like Bernie was to Chee. Bernie left after she felt awkwardness ensued. But as soon as she left she realized just how much she missed Jim. And Jim realized just how much of an idiot he was to let her leave. I’ve clearly made my stand on the situation and hoped that the feelings were known. But I’m not sure if it’s just hesitation or pure stupidity at this point.
I left for Colorado not only to chase my own dreams but in hopes that he would chase after me. Hopefully realizing how much he missed me. How much we missed and needed each other. Now I’m not sure if that worked. What is it that I’m missing? Should I expect my Jim Chee to come out to rescue me and sweep me off my feet?

Oh let the awkwardness ensue

Now why I am posting this entry in my journal I don't know since I'm going to gripe about how certain folks Facebook stalk me. And by that I mean ex boyfriends. Ugh. What is even more disturbing about this fact is that the information about my life activities is passed down to the current girlfriend of said ex. Oh but the icing on the cake is when the girlfriend\, whom I have never met, strolls into the establishment that I'm employed at and knows exactly who I am. What really gets me is that she tells me that she recognizes me the most from the photos of said ex and I together. HE STILL KEEPS THE PHOTOS IN A DRAWER?!?!? Who does that?! I got rid of all the evidence I had of him when things went down the crapper. That and I was really trying to get rid of crap I didn't need around my space anymore. Moving was much easier with less stuff. Somehow I got sucked into conversation with current girlfriend. Which would have been absolutely fine had there not been the awkward factor that we totally have slept with the same guy..... ewwww... I'm going to take a moment for my poor brain to recover from that dark thought...

I have nothing against this individual. She is of a strong will, confidence and spirit. A really unique and fun personality. I just wish we met under different circumstances.

In the meantime though... I really do need to solve this horrid problem of being single. It's been entirely too long and I'm beginning to think that there may be something seriously wrong with me... or maybe there is and I'm just not noticing it yet....

As a response to today's writer's block prompt, even though my head is practically bursting with things to say since it's been months since the last time that I relieved the pressure of my thoughts, the short response is that I have learned A LOT since my middle school days. The most important thing that I have learned over the years though is to not take things seriously. Life is a lot more enjoyable and less stressful if you have a good sense of humor and don't take things personally. Thinking too hard about things ruins the moment. I have had more fun with my life by being less uptight. No one likes to be around you when you have a pole up your ass and your nose stuck up in the air.

Don't worry so much. Things get worse before they get worse. The best thing to do is to ride out the storm and press on. You can't give up because the going gets tough. Basically you can't be a pussy about life. You have to take charge of your own life and be the leading role in it.

I have also learned to appreciate the things that I have and not take them for granted. There are many out there in the world who are less fortunate. Waste not, want not. Don't take more than what you need.

Live life as though there is no tomorrow. You never know when you might take your last breath in this world. Say what you mean to say to the ones you love and mean it with every fiber of your being. Live your life to the fullest extent.

Learn to take risks. You can't learn about your limits without pushing them and taking those risks. If they take a turn for the worst then you learn from those mistakes.

To love and mean it with everything that you have and to love those for who they are. Don't wish to change the person just so that you can tolerate them. Embrace them for who they are. What makes you you and what makes them who they are is what is important and that shouldn't change.

Take time to slow down. With the world around us constantly changing and wanting to move forward it is easy for us to get lost in the whirlwind. I have learned to appreciate the simpler things in life then having things become so advanced and up to date. I guess I'm just slightly old fashioned like that.

I could go on... but I suppose those are the biggest things that I have learned about myself over the past several years. I'm sure there are more life lessons to come...

Free Willy!

As I was listening to the Free Willy soundtrack ( I was having one of those nostalgic moments) it got me to thinking about the whole Sea World trainer that was killed by the Killer Whale. Now first off, if there was a history with the killer whale linking it to deaths then why was it still being trained to perform? Why is it that we humans want to train these and other creatures to do tricks for our own entertainment? The holding tanks that house these creatures are entirely to small to hold them. And why keep breeding them for the soul purpose of just continuing the training to perform in front of an audience? Just as humans have evolved over the years these creatures are evolving as well. Perhaps they are becoming more agitated because of these environments that we have forced them through? Same goes for the elephants. They have been known to be more gentle creatures. In the last several years there has been more deaths and attacks on tribes and humans by these giants. Us humans are making a serious impact on everything in this revolving planet. Global warming, fighting, behavioral deviations in animals... etc. How much of a hint can we be given to our effect of the world that we live in?

On another note that goes along with the Killer Whales. The solution to freeing all of the ones in captivity is not the way to fix the problem. Most of these creatures have been born in captivity and do not have the experience or skills they need to survive out in the wild. They would die once they were reintroduced to their soul called natural environment. What is this world coming to? :::sigh:::

Crisis of faith

It's creeping up to that time of year that I look forward to the most. The breeze get cooler, the days shorter and the changing leaves begin to dance in the fall wind. I have come to love the fiery autumn colors but it also means that snow will soon begin to fall. This is marks a new excitement to the winter activities. With my upcoming move to Colorado, the epicenter of skiing, not only is there excitement and jubilation in the change, but there is also deep sadness. Perhaps its a contribution of anxieties of moving to a brand new place and starting anew, but leaving the turmoil here in the Tar Heel State also leaves me a with a heavy heart.

Over the years I have watched helplessly the fights and arguments between family members. It has always been that way growing up but the last couple of years have been the hardest witnessing and it has certainly taken it's toll. It's having to hear the constant yelling, fighting and insulting that makes my heart ache and continuously loose faith. It is a miracle that the family has stayed together for as long as it has and I feel strongly now that once I set foot out of this house that it will all fall apart. Being the patient peacemaker within the household, I just cannot take it anymore. It breaks my heart to see my mother go through what verbal abuse she receives. The patience that she usually has is clearly running dry. Constantly taking blow after blow like the non stop crashing of waves against the shores. Seeing her begin to crack makes me loose faith. Seeing her endure all that pain and suffering makes me wonder if finding someone to spend the rest of your life with is even worth it. She has the choice to leave but I know she won't do it because she wants what is best for us girls.

The fights between Sum and dad are particularly frightening. Arguing like raging teenagers it shakes the entire house. It's absolutely terrifying to witness especially when Sum starts throwing things or worse inflicting pain on herself. The past few weeks have resulted in me running to the room and just crying... for hours. And for those of you who know me well, I don't cry. And if I do then it takes a lot for me to crack. Obviously, lately it has become a new hobby of mine.

I have grown up watching this and it has gotten worse over the years. And it took the worst turn when I had left to go to school. I can only imagine what will happen once I move out of the state. I was loosing my faith in love within the family and hoped that I would find another outlet. I thought I found it with someone, but when that came crashing down I realized that my heart wasn't worth that pain. And I don't think it still is. Which is what makes me even sadder. The fact that I'm going to leave this place without telling someone how I feel. Especially when I'm not even sure anymore if the feelings are mutual. I can't afford to be hurt again in that department when I'm already hurting so much with everything else. I need to run with what little faith I have now in order to start a new chapter in my life.

With only a month left, I only hope that I find the strength to endure and the courage to move on. If there was a way to restore my faith before I leave then I will welcome it with open arms. Right now that outcome looks grim, so in the meantime I'm going to grin and bear it. Hoping and praying that my heart can suffer through a little longer...

Dream jobs

I knew I had to post an entry after reading the writer's block prompt on the main page. "What would your dream job be and will you ever fulfill it?". In case you folks who are reading this don't already know, I have and will be living it up this winter season out in the Rockies. I did not realize how much I missed the ice cold air whipping through my hair while I was gliding down the slopes until I moved back to Chapel Hill a couple years back. I missed the mountain life so much that I even dedicated my two weekend days off from my full time job to drive three hours up to the mountains to continue to teach skiing. My heart was always in the mountains. Something about the fresher, cleaner air and the freedom of being up on some peak somewhere taking in some fantastic panorama.

Skiing is in the blood and it runs furiously through my veins. Prior to last years ski season I had a chance to sit down with a very close friend, perhaps potentially more than just a friend... but we will touch on that a later time, and had a heart to heart. We talked about what we wanted to do with our lives and what direction we wanted to blaze the new trails. I confessed to him that I wanted to move to Colorado after a few years of being back in Chapel Hill. Just long enough to enjoy the town I grew up in after finishing school but not long enough to root myself there and never want to leave. I'm still young and there are places I want to go and things I want to accomplish.

Colorado has always been on my mind since high school. I wanted to go to school out there but ended up staying in the state because it was cheaper tuition. My friend turned to me and he pointed out that the time that I wanted to leave the state by was creeping up on me. I remember looking at him and thinking, "He's absolutely right. If I'm going to follow my heart I need to take action now." He then asked me, "Have you ever been skiing out west?". I had not. I hadn't even visited the state  for that matter. I just had always had the yearning to go out there. It was then we decided that we were going to take a trip out west together. With our conversation fresh on my mind I went right to planning. Over the course of this past ski season I managed to get my Level I Professional Ski Instructing certificate and save up money to take this 2 week skiing trip out west. Skiing out west?! I could not believe what I was actually going to do it after all this time.

A week had not even passed after I came back from my first western skiing escapades in Taos, New Mexico that I started applying for ski schools in Colorado. I was determined to make the big change and do what it is that truly made me happy. A month past and I had not heard anything. I had hoped that with a Professional Ski Instructor membership and certification under my belt I would have landed something quickly. I will not forget the feeling I had when I got that email from Winter Park Ski Resort, Colorado or the day I had the phone interview with them. Being offered the job that I have been dreaming of for so long was the best feeling. I had finally caught my break. If there is one piece of advice that I can give to any of you reading this right now it is this; If there is something that you have a passion for, don't make excuses about how it's impossible to accomplish. Don't shoot down your dreams and don't push aside your goals. Go for it and see where the path takes you. You don't look back later in your life wondering why you didn't take the chance. You want to look back at what you had done and be proud of what you did.

A quote that I always bear in mind goes like this:
"Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming 'Wow ! What a Ride!'" - Hunter S. Thompson

Had it not been for that night with my friend and our trip out west, I would probably be rooting myself here. Thank you B for convincing me to do what it is that my heart desired... now if only you could see that I share the feelings you have and follow me out west.

Live your life and live your dreams. I certainly am going to try. You just never know where it will take you.

Shading the Earth in National Geographic

I was reading the latest National Geographic that came out and there was a particularly interesting article. It was titled "Shading the Earth". In efforts to help lessen the impacts and slow down global warming, researches have come up with this "Plan B" for cooling the Earth. Weening ourselves from the massive use of fossil fuels will be too little too late at the rate we are going, so the "Plan B" is to launch these disks of sulfate into the stratosphere between the Sun and the Earth creating a "shade" for us. Now I'm adding a link to this article so that you all can read it for yourselves without me having to regurgitating all the article's information out back at you. Now I understand that we need to cool down the Earth and that there are already evidence that sulfur has cooling effects on the planet. Think about what the temperature decrease is when a massive volcano erruptions blasts all that ashe into the atmosphere. However, I think that sending out these disks into space is bogus. Playing God and controlling the weather can have some serious consequences. Do you think this is a good or bad idea?

Shading the Earth article at National Geographic.com


This nation is need of change

I hope any of you who are reading this entry are planning on or have already voted for this election term. These past 8 years have been more than what we can handle. It is time for change... at least we hope so. There is no telling what the polls really are looking like. Obama leads by a landslide in some and others say that the candidates are neck and neck. God save us all if we end up with McCain and Palin. That only means that we'll be a heartbeat away from having Palin as prez.... eeeek! It never ceases to amaze me how many people there are in this country that actually believe hardcore that McCain is the better candidate. Of course I'm sure there are stubborn conservatives out there who think the same thing about us liberals. This country needs a change and I strongly believe that if McCain beats Obama we're going to continue in this rut. I don't care who you vote for.... well yeah I do... but the main point is to get out there and vote. It's your right and the only way you can actively participate in a change for this country. For better or for worse. I just pray the Obama is the one that comes out on top.

Otherwise, I'm moving to Canada... seriously.

And I'm going to be a ski bum for the next 4 - 8 years. You think I'm joking...

The leaves are changing...

For the past couple of weeks I have been watching the leaves slowly change into their firery colors and can't help but get excited about the winter months. I don't know what it is about the cooler weather that I love so much... outside of the fact that it's just that little bit closer to swishing down the slopes in that white stuff. I have been in dire need of change. I've done everything thing I can to keep myself satisfied and occupied lately. I've rearranged the rooms, cut my hair.... whatever else and still feel unfullfilled. It wasn't till recently that I sat down with someone and talked about our plans for the next couple of years. He mentioned the idea of moving out west himself, to the Rockies to be more specific. I told him I wasn't sure where I wanted to go but I want to leave here before I ended up rooting myself down and never leaving. I've had some time to sit down and turn over ideas in my head. Hours of surffing the web looking at different areas that I've been interested in the past. they have ranged from north east all the way to Japan. If anything though, I know now that I want to move out west. The Rockies at that. There is cooler weather, mountains, and skiing. What more can I really ask for there? Not as far away as Japan which would be good for family sake... unless they decide to move to Japan themselves. And seeing as that I originally wanted to go out west for school, it's only fair that I give myself the opportunity to move out there and experience it all now. Maybe I just feel the need to go out there simply cause Brandon was thinking about it himself. But one thing is for certain, I need a change and a big one. Who knows, maybe I do need to follow this boy out west.
Major dilemma in the world of the Asian Invasion. I mean shit that you only see in freakin' movies and on TV. Laugh all you want those of you who reserved the right to say, "I told you so." For those who don't have a clue as to what the hell I'm talking about, I'll give you a very brief run down on the situation. You all know how I've been working at A Southern Season for almost a year now and have been enjoying it thus far. For about 90% of the time that I've been here I've managed to develop an attachment to a co-worker of mine within the same department. Now I know you all are thinking why I haven't done anything about it and the response I have for you is that it's complicated. I mean he's the assistant manager of the department complicated. So I've managed to keep my feelings to myself and brush off the hints that indicate that he is interested too. It was only yesterday that I was hit with validation that he has and still shares the same feelings that I do. Now, how do we go about it? Do we risk our jobs just so that we can be together or do we just sweep all of our feelings for each other under the rug, try to forget about it and move on? Last night I spent an hour on the computer looking at other possible employment opportunities around the area thinking that would be an easy solution. Ultimately, I think we should sit down and talk face to face. There's just too much going through my head right now. I'm more than a little emotionally strained right now that it's seems hard for me to think straight. Not to mention making a decision on anything. What is the cost of being happy? It's been so long since I found someone that made me as happy as he does and yet it seems so damn near impossible to try and work it out. Is it worth the risk....